A Night Like No Other - Part 1

The night started with a call from Definitely Single Guy (formerly known as Maybe Single Guy). After a few previous hang-outs, I decided he was just a friend, even though he is attractive and has brilliant brown eyes. Too many weird hang-ups, and I don’t just mean how our telephone conversations ended.

He invited me out for a night with his friends, and I decided I needed new material and a reason to reassess my homebody status. Little did I know exactly how the evening would fail to disappoint me! I arrive at DSG’s apartment, which is obsessively spotless. I’m ordered to remove my shoes in the entrance way. He’s blasting Tina Turner on his laptop while bustling around the apartment like a gal before the prom. Come to find out this ex-fling of his was joining us, and DSG still has the hots for him. Apparently, just like in our school days, this guy likes to play Hot and Cold with DSG. He likes me, he likes me not. I knew right then I was going to bear witness to an adult version of recess rife with innuendo, double meanings, and playful banter.

It's prefaced that this guy is big, muscular, and has a dumb jock thing going on. When he gets in DSG’s car, he immediately lives up to his preview. I didn’t find him that attractive, but I have niche appeal it seems, so he could have been attractive. He certainly had the beef cake thing going on. But a dead fish handshake… yikes! Interestingly, that was the least of his conflicted nature.

He’s also a sexual pile of rubble. If Jock had a guru to whom he would devote his life and mindfulness, it would be the sage Confusedcious. See, Jock is lost somewhere on the Bi-way from Straightstown to Gaysville. And he don’t got a map. Or a clue where he’s going. But despite all his lane changing, Jock is trying really hard to get to Gaysville – he just doesn’t fully know it.

We arrive at a local trendy bar for drinks and a meet-up with DSG’s friend Crazy J and his complement of Three Lesbians. When they arrive, I find to my surprise the Lesibans are all really hot! They were every straight man’s fantasy come true. Too bad we didn't have one in our Gaggle of Gays. Crazy J is quite funny, talking about how he’s going to get into trouble tonight. It’s clear he’s a regular in the bar scene, and I was just taking in his antics.

After a round, it's decided we will leave and go to the Gayest Non-Gay bar in town, which I like to call the Haven of Beautiful Men. This was where I would once again run into Thinny Kravitz. Though we made eyes a few times, nothing else came of it. I was too busy listening to Jock and DSG go back and forth, DSG touch him in all these playful and familiar ways, insinuate, and generally make me want to scream, “Just get it over with already!” But Jock was uncomfortable here because he works at the Haven of Beautiful Men and isn’t out at work. So he’s roaming around with killer ants in his pants… instead of DSG.

Before me is a sea of gorgeous men, far more than I thought could ever wash up on the shores of this land-locked town. For a minute I believe they are all plants shipped from exotic locales that could never grow locally. It was an o-gay-sis in a man drought. *pinch* Nope, not dreaming.

And in walks two Chris’s from the Chris Continuum. My friend Foster knows three grad students in his department named Chris, all of which I’ve met at their happy hours. He refers to them as Metrosexual Chris, Eurotrash Chris, and New Chris (whom I call F**king HOT Chris). They are all “straight” but Foster and I have very strong suspicions that Eurotrash Chris also follows the Book of Confusedcious. He makes more conflicted comments and passes at Foster than Ambiguously Straight Guy does at me. What is it with straight men these days? Pull yourselves together!

Anyway, Eurotrash Chris and F**king HOT Chris come in with other people I recognize from their department. I make eye contact with Eurotrash and purposefully look away. He’s going to get an earful from me soon because he keeps toying with Foster, and I don’t like him jerking my friend around like that, even if he's clueless about it. Tonight wasn’t the time.

But it all got better when I met my Evil Twin Susan! As soon as we were introduced, we hit it off, riffing back and forth like we were old friends. We decided that we would be each other’s evil twins because that’s what people drinking at bars come up with. Our repartee is interrupted by DSG who wants to leave because Antsy Conflicted Jock is driving him crazy. I scan the crowds once more for a chance encounter with Thinny Kravitz, but he's disappeared or turned sideways. With the Hot Lesbians and Crazy J leading the way, I ask about our next location.

I should have know... where else to take a sexually flustered boy than the Gay Dance Club! And that’s when my night truly began…

To be continued… Read Part 2 here.

4 comments:

ramblergirl said...

Where to begin with the questions?

- Can "What is With Straight Men These Days? Pull Yourselves Together!" be the title of our next collaborative book project? It might make a good follow-up to Fauxship.

- Were the three lesbians really lesbian or were they heteroflexible? The thing about being smoking hot and hanging out with guys makes it a possibility.

Heteroflexible = a breed of Cosmo readers who are willing to do girl-on-girl to impress the Neanderthal straight men in their lives.

- There's a trendy bar in town?

Loving the story, can't wait to hear how it ends!

Allie D. said...

Oh my god... You're killing me. An o-gay-sis in a man drought??

Effing GENIUS.

CSG aka LD said...

I'm hooked already!

Army said...

Ramblergirl, let's definitely collab on that project!! A perfect sequel to "Fauxship" and lord knows I'll have enough material for it by then! To my knowledge, they were Certified Lesbians, but you know, I didn't ask for credentials or look for the GLBT stamp of authenticity. Trendy, as you know, is all relative in this town : )

Allie - I cracked me up, too! I have my moments, but always remember I'm here to entertain myself and anyone who happens to tag along : )

csg -- glad to hear it! I'll now expect you to religiously post comments, LOL!