Inflation, Currency, The Meet-Market

My Random Sunday got me thinking about a few things:

First off, winter has put its foot in the door a bit too soon. Nobody likes an early house guest who just lingers around and makes you all uncomfortable. Winter, like all good seasons, must wait its turn! In fact, show up fashionably late, like at a quarter-to-NEVER!

Ambiguously Straight Guy called me out of nowhere to have dinner at a delicious Mexican restaurant in town (no, NOT Taco Bell). He met this friend though a hobby/interest of his and wants to set us up. I'm like, is it because we're the only two gay guys you know (besides yourself)? I like trying to throw him off guard because it's my personality and it's my form of flirting with him. He tried to back pedal, which was humorous to watch.

He's telling me how he's getting a new bed (currently has a twin size!) and I congratulate him on graduating into adulthood. He wants 800 count sheets because the "ladies" know the difference. I was like, you need all the help you can get huh? Already need bells n' whistles at your age? Again, I'm being a punk. He says something about a professional paying attention to every detail. I'm all, so you are a professional? What service agency do you escort out of? Or are you an independent contractor? I kid him a bit more about being a sexpert, again, to be an ass. There was also some joke about him being an orgy guy... and I point out no one likes an anal-retentive orgy coordinator... but maybe an anal-attentive one. It was all gutter-bound from there, thanks to me. But he did go to a gay dance club and shake his groove in the cage with two girls (i.e., his future fag hags). I was impressed he went, and he blushed about a guy saying he was cute. Mmm-hmm.

Afterward, I went to my favorite coffee house to do some work and enjoy a chai tea. Like usual, I ran into the Two Dollar Lady on the street. She's famous downtown for always yelling, "Hey Mister! You got two dollars?" Since when do the homeless ask for TWO dollars? Has inflation made that much impact? What is the minimum wage for a beggar? I have to say, she does treat panhandling like a job, and Two Dollar Lady is truly a shrewd businesswoman. Personally, I think she's one of those eccentric misers who collects money and stuffs it in her pillow cases to appease some kind of hording compulsion. Next time I see her, I'll be like "Hey Miss? You got two million dollars?"

Then I got to thinking that if a panhandler can up the ante, maybe we need to update our traditional sayings. Is it enough to give our two cents worth anymore? Doesn't that just add up to a shitty opinion these days? Benjamin Franklin said a penny saved is a penny earned, but in his day, that penny went pretty far. Now it gets you a horsy ride at the grocery store for 30 seconds. Heck, we're giving away pennies at the gas station! If alive today, would he say a dollar saved is a dollar earned? Maybe a fiddy saved is a fiddy earned? Did the U.S. Mint anticipate all this inflation and for that reason, stick his likeness on a hundred dollar bill and not the penny?

After an onslaught of emails, I finally got to chat online with Desperate Not To Be Single Guy. He seems nice and is looking for similar things in a guy that I would want. But I'm just a take-it-slow person and not a fan of the contrived realm of "dating." I don't like that word. Too charged for me. Fraught with certain expectations. In fact, I tell people I've never been on a date. But I have hung out many times. Yeah, I'm weird. Send me recommendations for a good shrink!

The worst person to pair me with is someone who comes off as desperate or pushy or eager. I've already lamented about Ted in search of his manacea. I like casual, effortless, natural situations. Desperate...Single Guy was ready to move in and be my husband! Well, not that bad, but I was all -- deep breaths, I'm not going anywhere, let's not look for commitment rings just yet. I have to say, this guy is persistent! This Army was evading his advances with skilled aplomb and shooting down his requests with Patriot missiles of Maybe! What is it about me recently that screams "keep harping Army for his attention"? Or let's bury him in a ever-growing manslide?

Why am I complaining about this? I being the anal-retentive one whose checking for all the details I want to see and not just letting things unfold. Is it because I've been single for so long, I feel too safe in my Army of One? Maybe I have become afraid of a kind of relationship inflation - from my single status to that of a couple? If I have an interest, I should meet up with him. And think of it as a variable interest... I'm not locking into a fixed interest that will keep me stuck. Great, first I associate marriage with death and prison, and now I'm treating dating like a financial transaction. Maybe I should be in the escort service, as it turns out. God knows I have a growing clientele base!!

At any rate, I should sell while my stock is high, lest I hold out too long and am forced to sell out to the lowest bidder -- loneliness. I think I've stretched this metaphor too far.


CSG aka LD said...

I used to be angry and even depressed for not being single. Then I had a terrible relationship and decided singleness was not that bad. And so I did not worry about it any more. Then I met the person I'm with at this moment. That happened 11 years ago. A good theory could be that what makes us ready to mate is to be happy with our current status.

Allie D. said...

Jesus dude! Even I need to take a happy bath to cleanse myself of all this cynicism. LOL! I also need a sample of dialogue from Desperate Single Guy so I can get a gauge on how desperate he is. :) Stop being so damned shrewd and go out on a DATE. Yes, a date. Sure, there are certain expectations inherent in such a term that are different for everyone, but it's basically universal that none of them involve committment or even the assumption of success. :)

Oh yeah- and I remember that Two Dollar lady. Have you run into that other guy recently? The one with many guises, the last of which was a lost preacher? LOL

Robert said...

Two Dollar Lady a.k.a. the Paperboy Queen rules her paperboys with an iron fist. "Fly my pretties. Bring me my Two Dollars and her little dog, too." Hordes of paperboys, wearing knit caps, winter coats, and newspaper sacks over shoulders, fly off into the night on BMX bikes to harrass John Cusack. "Two Dollars," they cry out, "I want my Two Dollars."

bkdubya said...

Why am I complaining about this? Not entirely sure. I am being the anal-retentive one whose checking for all the details I want to see and not just letting things unfold. Yes you should just let things unfold. Is it because I've been single for so long, I feel too safe in my Army of One? A penny saved may be a penny earned, but a penny invested and compouded at even a modest interest rate over time beccomes a zillion dollars. Don't hoard your cash in the fridge, grandma. Invest it!

Allie D. said...

BK- I dub thee: Genius! ;)

the returnist said...

Hey, Army, how do you do labels? does one have to use beta?