Business As Usual

I took a healthy chunk of my Sunday to review resumes for our upcoming search. I relocated to Aroma for some fresh brew and concentration time to pass judgment over 50-60 applicants. As I read and read and the words became a blur, a particular applicant snapped me from my highway trance -- she mentions in her cover letter that no two week notice is necessary because she operates her own business (which was conspicuously absent from her resume). Is this woman really self-employed or just unemployed?

And if the latter, when did unemployment become running your own business? Did she think that going about her personal busyness was her business? Maybe she figured that she could write it off on her resume, like some kind of pride tax. Too bad she got audited by me because I'm calling her on the "clearly detail your employment history" rule of thumb -- or as our math teachers in middle school used to say, "Show your work."

Then another applicant listed a Masters of Science in Home Economics. I kid you not! How 1950s is that program? It reminds me of those old filmstrips where we see Jane the dutiful homemaker wearing an apron and taking classes to please her husband. Even now I can hear the distorted, almost monotone voice over (set in front of some cheesy synthesized muzak): "In the not-too-distant future, the modern wife can enjoy the conveniences of a technological society. (beep) With a state-of-the-art robotic workforce around the house, Jane can forget a few of her chores and do more to provide a comfortable living environment for her family. (beep)"


Sew What?

So this guy at Aroma sitting at the next table is cross-stitching. It strikes me as odd that a guy would choose to do that in public. I'm all for him breaking the gender stereotypes, but most men would closet that hobby or at least not put it on display. He was this stocky, masculine guy with a nose ring, sitting there with his plastic box of stitching materials, threading a needle through a pink hoop. Pink. I was in stitches! And it was kind of serendipitous because I broke out the thread and needle to reattach a button to my shirt earlier this afternoon. Perhaps there was a fate pattern to all this related needlework? And speaking of patterns, I had to figure out what this guy was creating. It took several glances and some progess on his part, but I finally saw the big picture.

It was a scene of 4 unicorns drinking at a bar. Serially! One was passed out on the floor, and another is slumped over the bar. And there they are, horns attached on their heads like permanent dunce caps. Then again, if you missed Noah's Arc and ended up a lost species, it would drive you to drink, too. And you'd feel a bit like a horse's ass yourself.

There you have it, readers. Our expectations change with our experiences. Life itself is a stitch-up. Our minds lace what we know into a pattern of ideas and in the end we hope the picture makes sense. Sometimes a stitch in time saves nine. Other times you lose a button. But you can always mend what comes undone and create something new using your imagination. Just make sure you aren't fabricating your employment history or weaving tales on your cover letters because it's a sure way for your resume to become a resu-maybe-not-so-much.

7 comments:

the Laughorist said...

Every word of your post is a gem within a perfect mosaic. OK. OK. Let me go to your stitch theme: every thread is perfect to create a fabric of art. I'm not kidding. It's perfect. Keen observation, wit, wisdom. It's all there. Now this will sound sacrilegious, but it wasactually refreshing to read something not 9/11-related. I don't mean that disrespectfully to anyone or anything. (I cried watching the news tonight; thought I'd really bawl; I don't think my wife caught on how close i was.) It's just that I love reading Chekhovian slices of life, and your post is a great slice.

Allie D. said...

I about fell out of my chair laughing at almost every paragraph of this post. I wanted to comment on it yesterday, but Blogger was being a douche.

The lady who didn't want to list what kind of business she ran- maybe she was trying to say she "minds her own business". Like, she won't get all up in someone's grill. LOL

And do you think Unicorns at Bar is at all related to Dogs Playing Poker?

Allie D. said...

I about fell out of my chair laughing at almost every paragraph of this post. I wanted to comment on it yesterday, but Blogger was being a douche.

The lady who didn't want to list what kind of business she ran- maybe she was trying to say she "minds her own business". Like, she won't get all up in someone's grill. LOL

And do you think Unicorns at Bar is at all related to Dogs Playing Poker?

Alex said...

: )

Matt-Man said...

I usually turn heads with my resume' because I mention my 14 years with NASA working in their jet propulsion lab. This is of course only during the off-season of the Major League schedule. You see, I am also the second baseman for the Cincinnati Reds.

Robert said...

Maybe the woman is a former Madem of an "escort" service.

Nothing wrong with a man making tapestries

bkdubya said...

*Clears throat with a tiny hint of condescension*

Turning "unemployment" into self-employment is the height of entrepreneurism and the American spirit. Frickin' liberals always trying to force us all to be dependent on someone else for a job, healthcare, security, applesauce, and even condoms.

*exaggerated sigh*

*wink*