Meet Blurt McLoud

I have this colleague at work who is a major loud talker. His voice is a blast of sonic boom. He is all crescendo and cacophony. My eardrums are harrassed in his presence. Can you get a court injunction against a voice? Like, don't create vocal soundwaves within 25 feet of me or else? I think the judge would agree to it after he met Blurt McLoud.

I'll put it this way, sometimes Blurt makes me cringe when he talks. That's right, I have an actual physiological response to his voice. In Psychology, I saw this video of Little Albert, this infant who was trained to have a scare response to white bunny rabbits because it was presented along with this loud noise behind him. Poor kid was traumatized in the name of science! And a SOCIAL science, at that!

I feel like Little Albert. But I haven't told you the worst part. His volume actually operates according to a logrithm function - else said, the more inappropriate the topic, the louder he gets. Exponentially! Hence the logrithm. Conversely, at some meetings when he introduces himself, I seriously have to focus to hear what he is saying. It's like a soft "soothing" mumble. Not understanding all the math talk? Yeah, me either. If you're like me, you prefer the "show" to the "tell." Here's my graphical point:
Another example: A while ago, a female coworker and I arrived at the office a few minutes late. We happened to meet up on our block. As we enter the building, Blurt overhears our conversation, which was about who-remembers-what. We were debating a number of something-or-other, and I said, "It was six." We go upstairs and a few minutes behind us, Blurt stomps up the stairs and sonic booms from the hallway into our office doors, "WHAT'S GOING ON YOU TWO? FIRST YOU BOTH COME IN LATE TOGETHER, AND THEN I HEAR YOU TALKING ABOUT SEX!"

Mind you, I work in a student services office. It was normal business hours. Thankfully we had just opened, so there weren't many, if any, students around. But c'mon, show some tact. So I have to explain that I said six. "OH OKAY, I THOUGHT YOU SAID SEX!" Good lord.

If he sees you a block away, he will yell at you. He's yelled at me from his car as I'm walking down the street on campus. One of our ex-coworkers, a mental health counselor by training, used to model a very calm and quiet tone when Blurt was being particularly robust. It was funny to hear the extremes, and he never did catch on.

I feel bad because he is a nice guy who means well. He's just clueless that he is a contributing factor to nerve deafness. Fortunately, I haven't experienced any ringing of the ears yet. If that happens, I'm taking Blurt McLoud onto Judge Judy's show. Do not attempt to adjust the volume of your TV - your technology is useless against him.