Fairy Tale or Fairly Tale?

I told myself I would not write about certain aspects or people on this blog, but I'm at a breaking point. I'm a screeching tea kettle on the verge of erupting in a China shop. I'm all the goddamned cliches mixaphorically rolled into one.

I was starting to believe that the fairy tales we learned in grade school were incomplete. For example, in Three Little Pigs, I believe there was a house built of something stronger than brick that not even an army of big bad wolves could puff away. That house was built of denial. And if you have ever secured yourself behind such walls, my friends, you know ain't nothing outside gonna bring them down.

Thus is the "fairly tale" of my recent life. I have a friend whom I greatly suspect is something more than heterosexual but doesn't realize it. But that is not really the issue, no. The true "Gays of Our Lives" twist is that I am smitten for him. That's right, I'm pining away over an ambiguously straight guy that I think may like me but not fully know it. Good god, I finally got it out in a public forum, and it cannot look more pathetic than in print. So the logical segue from this admission is, "Tell me Chris, who is the one in denial here?"

That's right, I'm throwing stones from my glass house stocked with China and a single glass slipper dangling from my left foot. When shall my prince in waiting-to-come-out-of-the-closet rescue me? Surely at the eleventh hour.

Despite all the comedy, this is really a tragedy of my own making. I don't need to read ahead in the script to realize how I've set myself up for the big letdown. The G.I. Joe lesson to learn is that I cannot force what isn't there. I cannot force what isn't ready to happen. Like I try to tell myself, if he truly is gay or bisexual or whatever, he will come to terms in the fullness of time. And I cannot wait it out in my tower with baited breath. I cannot get my hopes up that the magic kiss will wake me from this sleeply daze.

This is all very logical, and at that level I get it. But logic and emotion are not always compatible languages. Logic does not reside in the chambers of the heart. Perhaps our hearts are lined with a sheath of denial and won't let logic break in and corrupt them. Perhaps we have to open our hearts from inside and let go of the emotions in order to listen to reason and let the denial fall away. I think that is the lesson I have to learn.

So now I know. And knowing is half the battle. The other half will come in the fullness of time.

5 comments:

Allie D. said...

I'm here, my friend. I'm here.

Jonathan said...

I've been in the same boat many times, it never does work out. You are smart to learn your lesson. Besides Prince Charming is out there for you.

Allie D. said...

Jonathan- it's so nice to see you over here!

Chris- this is Jonathan. I just discovered his blog and he rocks.

Jonathan- this is my best friend, Chris. :)

Army said...

Jonathan, thanks for the encouragement...and for stopping by and visiting my blog. Maybe one day my readership will reach the double digits, thanks to cool folks like you : )

Allison, thanks for the introductions and the back-up!

mr. F said...

It has happened to me too! I still don't know whether he is str8, bi or gay BUT, after many heartbreaks and let downs I decided that I am not going to care about it anymore. I used to be in love him with though. That kinda hurt.