Mental Manufactory: Fetal Walker

Now I admit that I've never been pregnant or anything. Though there were a few close calls, let me tell you.

I can image it's no field day. I mean, I know what it's like to have someone emotionally cling to me, so I can only surmise a 10 pound meatsack leeching off your organs like some fetal Kato is worse. With the water being spiked with sperm propellant and the stars and
moons aligned just right, I've encountered several pregnant women recently. And around 8 months, they all basically want "this thing" out of them. They pray for C-sections. They potty every two minutes. They have killer back stress. They wonder what salvation lies in their immediate future of "he did this to me" hell!

And then Army gets an idea...

Look no further than the Fetal Walker! It's like a hammock sling and an old-folks walker wrapped into one handy wheeled contraption. You'll feel light in your loafers as you scuttle with back-relieved ease!

And once the little brat wrecks your body upon its eviction, the Fetal Walker turns into a handy Baby Stroller! Now that's precycling and cost-savings! And you'll need it. Because Junior will be the financial death of you.

And I think it's clear Army is not ready for children. Especially considering my other anti-child invention of questionable ethics (yet remains popular amongst parentkind).

Those who can, do. Those who can't, think.

2 comments:

Allie D. said...

Okay, I was fucking loving this when I first started reading it, thinking -- man, that would have been AWESOME for me when I was pregnant. And THEN I saw it converted into a baby stroller and it went from great to BRILLIANT.

Gawd you're creative!!

Bubz The Troll said...

And when the woman is an old grey grandmother she can convert it back into a walker again.