Deadly Animals Stirred Up By A Storm

Little bit of this and that to keep you pseudo-interested in my goings-ons:

So I met a woodchuck on Friday and it tasted great...

Friday night was St. Patty's day. Yeah, I don't know what this holiday truly represents, and honestly, I don't even want to look it up. It's the mystery of life that sustains our internal drive. Well as many of you know, I have recently cultivated a blossoming alcohol career in what can be called a rather "dry" life up to this point. Friday was a case in point...I met a woodchuck.

I was in a meadow and came across a downed tree with a woodchuck at its base, whistling through his two front teeth. I asked why he gnawed through the beautiful tall tree and knocked it over. The woodchuck glanced to the tree, then to me, and said, "What the fuck's business of yours is it anyway, betch?"
Why, you little bucktoothed varmit!

Okay, that part wasn't so much real. But what was real is that I did get an introduction to Woodchuck Cider. And actually, it was three of them. They tasted smooth with Jupiter's thin crust margherita pizza! I went out with Jim and Amanda (brother and sister-in-law), Matt and Anne, and Val. We had a great time, and I was loose by drink three. It was my first encounter with this "beer" and it was odd that I actually wanted a fourth because I'm not a big alcohol fan. But once I find my libation of choice, giddy up! I was divulging all kinds of funny personal anecdotes I don't normally share because I think they will bore other people. I think I found my comedic timing. It was a riot of an evening.

The Meteorologist that Cried "Snowstorm!"

Meteorologists have something in common with fishermen...they tell tall tales. And before anyone (named Ben) defends our friends at NOAA, let me just say, I get it. They can only go by past models to predict future weather in an ever-dynamic multi-faceted world. They go through all this schooling and god-awful math and physics and atmospheric sciences just so they can make an "educated" guess.

But how do you account for a prediction of 5-7 inches of "heavy snow" turning into the barely an inch outside my window right now? C'mon, folks! Do you need a degree to do this shit? JUST MAKE IT UP! We won't know the difference. Okay, I confess I'm just using these folks as a punching bag for my frustrations. The central core of my problem is...

Mother Nature is a Bitch!

Look what you've done, woman!? That is snow on the ground during MY spring break week! That's right, the kids get off for spring break, so I get the time off, too. I know, so sad for me, right? Hey, I work at a university, you're just jealous, and before you say you're crying on the inside, know that days off for us is basically a way of saying don't expect any money for what you do. That's right, I wouldn't know what a bonus or a cost of living increase was if it looked itself up on right now. But hey, I'm all about karma and being recognized for my contributions in the fullness of time, so I'm at peace with that.

What I'm not at peace with is Mutha-fuckin-Natuh! Monday was the first day of SPRING! This shit doesn't belong on the ground in the spring, lady! So collect your things and send us a breath of fresh air in the form of green leaves, blossoming flowers, and T-shirt weather! Actually, make that shirtless college guys owe me, my dear.

I killed a bug last night and got a peaceful night of sleep...

WeatherBug is nothing more than an attention whore that probably downloaded untold volumes of spyware, malware, adware, and even silverware onto my computer during our brief affair! In a Wizard of Oz panic, I downloaded this software when tornadoes threatened my childhood fears. And if any storms barged into the area, WeatherBug would chirp three times and let me know in advance. Right? Wrong.

WeatherBug goes off for no good-goddamned reason whatsoever! WeatherBug nags the dead back to life! WeatherBug is more of a whiny bitch than the stupid Tamagotchi I had in high school! Yeah, I had one in high school, what of it? I was the best caretaker that ever took care! Clearly, this software is a fair-weather friend because it won't shut the fook up when there's even an un-noteworthy weather advisory. It's like...there are sprinkles in the area, WAH WAH WAH (cue the Star Trek klaxons)!

So last night, after it warned my for the tenth time of the impending blizzardry of one inch snow accumulation, I stormed into the computer room and put my foot down on WeatherBug. As it twitched in its last minutes of uninstallation, I smiled down over it, victorious. Like a spider in a Kleenex, I had sealed its fate. But I felt like a darker me, spawned by the upset of dangerous weather. Perhaps it was my "Doppler"-ganger...


Anonymous said...

My my my, going full out into the world of alcohol aren't we?

Woodchuck is great drink though. I can't stand beer, so that's what I drink when I'm somewhere and want a non-mixed drink. And it's bottled right here in Middlebury, VT, though I haven't found the particular place that does it yet.

Anyway, excellent choice of alcohols to continue the drunken descent.

Allie D. said...

You... drank... BEER??? Go you! LOL It took me awhile to figure out what the fook you were talking about until you said you got your drunk on. lol

And yes, Weatherbug fucking bites.