iRant: Let's Get "Physical"

If you understand me even a smidge, you know that I have a profound love for solutions to problems that don't exist. I relish in items of ridiculous convenience. And sarcasm.

Well let's be honest, I wouldn't run a blog if I wasn't at least a modest purveyor of salt n' sass.

And my latest target is footwear. Just when you thought the Reebok Pumps were a joke (and yeah, they pretty much were or else they'd still be around), here come two contenders for stupid footwear schtick:

1) Running shoes with automatic lacing system

ANGLE: Because your lazy ass cannot bear to pull at each criss-crossed lace point, tie a simple knot, one bow, wrap around, second bow, and through the middle, you can twist a knob instead. This tying process is so quick and effortless that in order to type the sequence, I had to visualize each step mentally. That took way more effort than it does to actually do it. In the dark. In the morning when the demons kick the inside of my head, my brain is swimming in a morass, and the world is a dull distraction. Even then, I manage. But thanks to North Face, I can take one more thing for granted, save no time, and pay more money.

COUNTERPOINT: But Army, don't you hate it when your shoes come untied? I have a simple kindergarten fix -- the double knot. I still do it. It's completely juvenille. I basically never retie my shoes.

COUNTER-COUNTERPOINT: But Army, you are a lazy bum who doesn't run every day. In fact, you avoid physical exercise whenever possible.

REBUTTAL: Shut up, me! Who's side are you on anyway!?

POINT BEING: Continue to use your preschool level skills and lace it yourself.

2) Vacuum Shoes

ANGLE: I was alerted to this technological milestone by fellow blogger Robert. The concept is quite ingenious - strap a vacuum cleaner to your shoes and clean as you walk. Not only is it completley practical, it's a fashion statement waiting to happen.

I've used a few vacuums in my time that managed to suck ass, but not quite successfully suck dirt. I'm sure this cheap-as-crap shoe system will top of the line and do as good of a job as your bagless Hoover. Because you'll either be walking like you have two cement shoes on (due to the necessary suction) or, more likely, you'll manage to walk rather normally and essentially lightly dust your carpet. Wow.

TRAGIC FLAW: Allegedly, we are in a crisis state of wasting 90 hours per year vacuuming our floors. And this must end. But if we are making up all this free time, are we really going to use it walking around our homes? Or are we going to sit our lazy asses in front of A) the TV, or B) the computer?

COUNTERPOINT: But Army, you're sitting your lazy ass in front of the computer right now.

REBUTTAL: Sometimes I can't stand myself! However, I did vacuum the floor today, and sweep and mop... and yet I continue to live.

THEN AGAIN: As Robert pointed out to me --

"Get a several pairs and tell your house guests that they are special shoes just for them to wear while visiting. They'll do your cleaning without knowing it. Except they might get suspicious if you ask them to move the couch and walk behind it."

Perhaps the man has a point. If we could harness this stupid technology and use it for the powers of evil and manipulation, then, maybe then, it would have some worth...

BOTTOM LINE: I need to get into the industry so I can put forth some real concepts and ideas, courtesy of my Mental Manufactory!


Allie D. said...

The vacuum shoes seem about as futile, albeit not quite as expensive as the Roomba.

I'm only torqued that I didn't find out about the self-lacing shoes so I could write about them first. Dammit!

Bubz The Troll said...

I knew you'd have something great to say about the Vacuum Shoes.


Bryan said...

Or what about self-cleaning carpets, a matrix of micro tubes embedded in the carpet fibers, feeding down into a set of central, larger tubes that are constantly on suction, or maybe just at the press of a button or just once everyday for 10 minutes, sucking all the junk down into the dust pit in the basement that you can compress into fireplace fuel logs? Of course, you'll never get a paper clip to go down those small tubes, but the finer dust will begone, you can just pick up the bigger things after all, right? Hey Chris, how about a Bryan-visit in Feb.? Making my way to Ohio to visit, might need a place to crash mid trip, hint-nudge? I wouldn't be able to stay but a night or so, as I will have a limited amount of time off and want to spend as much time with the family as possible, uncle just had a stroke, etc. let me know.

Army said...

It was all in the timing Allie... I guess I started off on the right foot, har-huh!

Thanks again for the inspiration, Bubz. Your troll insights served you well : )

Bryan, I like the idea of a self-cleaning carpet... though I imagine it as some kind of bio-entity like some plush sea coral or amoeba farm that feeds off the dirt and grime we track in. It'd be like a symbiotic relationship. Biotechnology at its finest!

And let's certainly chat on a visit. I can return the hospitality for my trip to Costa Rica.