Vignettes of Time III: The Corporate Method of Savings

Ebbinghaus told us we can measure forgetting by computing the difference between the number of repetitions needed to learn and, after a delay, relearn the same material. He called this methods of savings.

Corporations have corrupted savings with bland, mindless biz babble in the name of efficiency and effectiveness. You have heard it all before:

"You must be able to multi-task." -- does reading the paper and shaving while eating my McDonalds on the phone while driving count?

"Let's not reinvent the wheel." -- I'd like to reinvent my foot up your ass, you asshat!

"Our office requires that employees be flexible." -- like a contortionist in a carnival?

"We'd like to achieve synergy." -- raise your hand if you know what the fuck this means? mine's down by the way.

As we know, being all these things won't be good enough soon enough. Allow me to predict some new corporate slang that office idiots can vomit:

** omni-task ** let's face it, multi-tasking is kinda lazy, especially when you can work in all ways, in all places, of all things.

** agility ** flexibility simply connotes that you can bend if asked. not having it. we need people who are proactive synergizers who leverage their agility on the fly

** 2+2=6 ** since the 90s, 2+2 hasn't equal 4. but why should it continue to only equal 5?

** nowcasters ** why have forecasters waste time trying to predict the future trends when a nowcaster can dict the current hot commodities as they emerge? why worry about what came first when you simultaneously create the chicken AND the egg?

Does any of this make sense? It doesn't have to. Just say it like you mean it in the office and you'll be promoted to your level of incompetence.

1 comment:

Robert said...

Hmm... that last bit about BOTH the chicken and the egg makes me think of quantum bits; they exist in both states.