The Non-Dating Game

Warning: This post is littered with really bad sports analogies.

I received a call from Desperate Not to Be Single Guy about hanging out because he's bored. That's what he always says, "I'm bored." I find the sentiment to be a medley of insult and flattery. Admittedly, I was in a funky mood because of an emotionally intense hour of Six Feet Under. I didn't feel like talking or making plans for today, so I called a "rain delay" and committed to hanging out tomorrow.

I had a convo with Feyonce a bit later to hash out the situation. We both find his over-assertion tinted with a bit of...desperation, if that's the word. It's an eagerness for us to be in the midst of a deep relationship, which I guess is normal after hanging out twice while watching movies. And all the hand holding was annoying. I kept wondering when my obligation was contractually over. At one point I balled my hand into a fist. He tried to break through. It was like the Battle of the Bulge (and not in a good way). My forces were surrounded by his army of fingers and I simply couldn't surrender. I didn't want to. I wasn't ready.

I told Feyonce I need a Get Out of Intimacy Free card. She said I could just pull my hand away, and with the other, produce the GOIF card without a word spoken. The card says it all. I likened it to the ref throwing the foul card on the field. I think Desperate...'s trying to steal the next base, hoping to get my backfield in motion, or maybe he just wants some high-sticking. No matter what, I'm calling his plays. I'm not ready for a doubles match that is love-all.

I have to admit I had a physiological reaction to all the handedness. As he held onto me, I developed a lower back pain. I withdrew myself, walked it off, and the pain vanished. I was pain free until he grabbed onto me again. Then it came back. I've allegedly developed a psychosomatic reaction to intimacy. My body and brain have teamed up to reject intimacy!

It's like I'm the goalie of this fauxship and he's the forward trying to hit one in. Can I ever get in league with someone who puts me on the defensive?

I had dinner with B-Dub and El Nino, and we also hashed, rehashed, and prehashed. Apparently Desperate... has been texting and emailing B-Dub to ask what I've said about him. Again, he's wearing too much of that new fragrance, Desperation. Not a fan of that smell. B-Dub has remained loyally quiet but subtly pointed out to him that Army is no fan of his clingy conduct. We think he's new to relationships like I am, but his tactics don't quite match with mine.

Well sports fans, it's not over yet, but we seriously have to exchange play books and level the playing field here. Open communication is important for any team, so tomorrow will be movie-free and more about getting to know one another. Maybe we can become teammates, but we aren't there yet. Time will tell.


Allie D. said...

Yeah... it does sound like he's moving things along too fast, and apparently he's not very good at interpreting non-verbal signals on your part!

I love that GOIF card, btw. LOL

Robert said...


Lover Boy is an energy-vampire and he may not be aware of it. The back pain that you suffered while holding hands is clearly a sign of his life force sucking powers (not the other kind of sucking powers).

If he tells you again that he is bored tell him he needs to play Morton's List: The End To Boredom

the Laughorist said...

you are the soul of wit, or vice versa -- or virtue versa. Anyway, take that hilarious and terrific design, that GOIF card and shop it at I have a couple links to them on my site. I've yet to make a profit, but, hey, give it a whirl. Or, to continue your sports analogies, get in the game.

Anonymous said...

Desperation... I've worn it, and I've been around other people who wear it. It's just a terrible fragrence all around.

Maybe you could spray yourself with some OFF bugspray. Either that or throw him in the penalty box. Eject him from the game. Loving the sports metaphors, by the way.

So, yeah, I apologize I haven't been commenting much. I finally got a new job, and it's draining a lot of my free time. I don't even have a weekend anymore. But I'll do my best to get in here more often.