iRant: Pedeadstrians

Motoring home around 10:00 p.m. this evening seemed innocent enough. We've all done it before. Little did I realize it was amateur daredevil night.

First Encounter:

I'm on a four-lane avenue (two lanes in each direction) with a speed limit in the neighborhood of 40 MPH. That's roughly 63 KPH to my non-American readers reader. Mind you, it's night. And I'm not exactly in a well-lit stretch of road. Then who should be cycling against traffic in my lane but some punk kid on his BMX bike. What the fook? Are you trying to die? Or is this some X-treme audition for the sequel to 80's B movie "Rad"? I had to swerve into the other lane to avoid damaging my precious car. Oh yeah, and to avoid killing someone's dear son.

Look, I know the term side"walk" conveys a certain misconception of its purpose, but rest assured it can handle non-motorized vehicles quite well. This isn't Europe. We don't want to share our roads in this country. And most people value their lives. So take note, Travis, and pedal your arse onto the sidewalk or you'll be the hood ornament for some late-night soccer mom's land frigate. End of story.

Second Encounter:

I didn't think independently-operating idiots could one-up each other, but wonders never cease. On this same avenue in a busier and faster section, I motor upon a guy on roller blades (yes, roller blades), swinging back and forth in the entire lane at a break-neck 10 MPH. What the what? Are you kidding me? Hey Caleb, see that unused stretch of pavement five feet over? That's called a bike path! It will accommodate your wheeled shoes with relative ease. And best part is, there aren't death machines with people distracting themselves from driving poised to turn you into road kill on the bike path. We call this a "win-win scenario."

Jackarses.

Maybe we could keep these half-wits in line if we took some cues from Death Race 2000 and Carmageddon. I'm just saying...

5 comments:

Allie D. said...

Okay, I don't know what I'm laughing at more:

1. The mention of the movie "Rad"

2. The term "land frigate"

3. Calling the rollerblader Caleb.

You're effing KILLING me!

Oh, and I don't know if you have them out there, but we have bike lanes on our roads here in Washington, which is to say a 12-inch wide strip of death that is on the far right-hand side of the road so cyclers can feel more like "drivers." Just in case the sidewalk is just to, shall we say, blase.

Bubz The Troll said...

I my town it's illegal to ride a bicycle on a sidewalk. However it is usually only enforced against tweenagers who nearly run down little old ladies. Bicycles are considered to be vehicles and are subject to the rules of the road.

Aaron said...

Call me a social darwinist, but once these maroons get run down, you chalk it up to "thinning of the herd" or "trimming of the fat".

Pawlie Kokonuts said...

Couldn't they at least have been wearing bright orange, illuminated markings with the words HIT ME?

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