Gimme A Brake

Today I was thrust into a whole new genre of human special interests. I've always lived life with the outlook that "folks is crazy" and I'll be damned if they don't prove it to me each and every day.

It all started innocently enough, as these kind of tales often do.

Smartens sent me a little Youtube video of their wee bebe, lovingly referred to as Baby J. I feel safe in sharing this nickname for two reasons: there are 50 bajillion videos on that site with little ones named Baby J, so his anonymity is maintained. It is also crucial in the big reveal of this tale.

Or should I say, the big revv-eal. Read on.

Youtube is so nice for listing "related" videos for us. Or as I like to call them, further distractions from life. It gives us that "just one more" hook we love to hate.

Well, this time round, I noticed a "related" video (and I'm using these quotes for good reason) was entitled "Baby J Revving the Cadillac." Hmm, did Smartens and Rasmatic let their little one take the wheel with such poor gross motor skills? No no no. As I clicked on the link, I was introduced to a whole new world of fetish. Or as it turns out, foot fetish, or as I like to call it, a footish.

That's right. It's a six minute clip of some woman "pedal pumping." I can't make this mess up, folks. As the whole thing unfolded before me, I noticed a bevy of these pedal pumping videos on the sidelines. All of them with women clutching, braking, and giving it the gas. Sometimes in pumps (pedal pump pumping?). Sometimes barefoot. Sometimes in pantyhose. Full foot. Big toe only. Toes spread out. This little piggy was grinding with the brake pedal. This little piggy caressed the accelerator. And THIS little piggy stared in disbelief. I had to show my co-workers. We were all perplexed, yet drawn in. It must have been the bizarro nature of it all. What arousal could someone get out of this experience?

I don't get the whole foot fetish thing. Or any fetishes, for that matter. I'm trying not to judge, but c'mon. Get a real fetish. Pedal pumping? That's pretty lame. Just rent a porn. Why all the innuendo? It's not even good innuendo.

Although, my favorite was a clip where the woman was making all the trite porno screams and pleasures while thrusting the pedals, being sure to whine, "this always seems to work when a man is in the car." Oh please. This isn't a fetish or a footish. It's a faux-tish.

It's like those lame phobias people have. Okay, afraid of heights, enclosed spaces, even clowns? I get that completely. But a fear of clocks or of the color white? Gimme a break. I mean, as I live and breath, that's what I call a fauxbia. Get a real fear, then let's talk.

Same goes with fauxtishes. I'm putting my foot down right here and now.

Ooh, did you like that, baby?


Pawlie Kokonuts said...

Semantically superb. Not pedestrian at all. But you've piqued my interest. Now I'm afraid of checking this stuff out. I'm afraid I may fall for this fauxtish [great coinage].

Allie D. said...

Ah, the mystery world of sexual paraphilias. They are quite entertaining, are they not? Particularly fetishes, because when it's a REAL fetish (in that someone truly cannot get off without that particular stimulus) it shows us how very easily our behaviors are influenced by the proper conditioning. Men are particularly prone to this phenomenon. It's interesting. lol

David said...

Way back when I was younger, I think I remember a news story about a guy that lived in our town that got caught masturbating into some lady's stiletto shoes. I suppose it could be weirder though.

bennie said...

Well of course I just had to check out the link. Recap of thoughts as I watched the video:

Alright, here we go towards the car, and into.... uh, this must not be a new Cadi, .... well, at least the engine started..... ahhh! What's wrong with the engine! Screeeeetch!!!!

And what's with the camera wandering to other parts of the car. I'm surprised when it showed the exhaust pipe that the lens didn't get covered in soot! Oooo exhaust pipe, ohhh yeah baby....

Anonymous said...

Nicely done. I don't get fetishes either.

Anonymous said...

I didn't get the foot fetish thing either until I realized my husband had one & yes it involved pedal pumping. We have been together for over 15 years now but he didn't tell me until 5+ years after we were married. I can honestly say since I joined him in his fantasy by role playing, we have had the best sex ever! Now it excites me because I know it excites him. So my philosphy is don't knock it until you try it! (No matter what their fetish is) Find out what your partner likes, trust me you will both reap the benfits!!