iRant: Two Wrongs Making Right?

I'm a video gaming fan and spent more than my fair share of time at arcades as a teenager. You know, back in the day when arcades were at their prime. We're talking the whole arc of Pole Position to Rampage to Street Fighter and the Mortal Kombats. And so so many more. Then, much like video killed the radio star, console stations killed the arcade star. An era ended.

But hark! The arcade spirit has been revived, possibly in the worst way conceivable. That's right, I'm here to diss the "participation" games that boggle the mind and bog down my strength -- Dance Dance Revolution and Guitar Hero.

First off, I want to say that Nintendo is totally immune to this rant. First off, they were kicking it cool way back in the 80's with the Nintendo Power Pad, that orange gun, and the Power Glove. And now they revolutionized gaming with the Wii console, which even old folks enjoy. Bless you, Nintendo for doing your own thing : )

Compare that to Dance Dance Revolution. Which is basically Exercise Exercise Revolution. And while this country desperately needs such a thing, let's call it what it is. Cuz I've seen people stomping around on those things. And that ain't dancin', Sally. Not only is it a Power Pad rip-off, but people already lacking rhythm can muster up the perceived confidence and hope that they can bust a move. Problem is, off the dance pad, you'll look like (more of) a jackass doing your new-age hopscotch. I'd even take line-dancing over this, which is saying a lot. Aaaaaand I just vomitted in my mouth.

And damn you Best Buy for prominently featuring Guitar Hero in every single store you operate. I can't browse new CD's or movies without having to elbow past the lurking crowds of Guitar Hero on-lookers. And I can't decide what's more lame - playing the game, or being fascinated by watching someone play the game. First off, there's nothing to watch, except a Star Wars "Long, long time ago..." scrolling representation of "guitar tabs." Wow. Moving sheet music. C'mon, people! Someone has managed to make air guitar MORE lame and profit from it! Which is the basis of capitalism, sure, but I don't have to like it! Secondly, guitars have strings, not four giant colored buttons -- that's called a toddler's toy. Which is probably the aisle of Toys R Us where that faux-tar belongs.

So I've decided the only way to respect these games and their gamers is if someone can master them both... simultaneously. That's right, I propose Dance Dance Guitar Hero as the next sensation. People must coordinate guitar moves whilst dancing out a certain pattern... whilst on drugs. That's right, if you really want to shred like a rocker, you need to be on a poorly balanced regimen of booze, pills, and blow. Then you can bust out your phrenetic "Dance Fever" moves until you smash your guitar into your equipment, cuss out your fanbase, and have casual sex with several groupies. Then you wake up hammered, apologize on national television about your inappropriate behavior, and declare you are going into healing.

Then, and only then, will you be a true Dance Dance Guitar Hero. Otherwise, get the hell out of my way at Best Buy. Dorks.


Allie D. said...

I haven't laughed so fucking hard ALL WEEK LONG!! Oh. My. God.

This was a thing of beauty, Chris. I don't know what part I liked best... "faux-tar" or maybe it was the conglomeration of two lame games into "Dance Dance Guitar Hero." The set for this game would have to be replete with a spandex jumpsuit. With fringe, natch.

Bubz The Troll said...

Check out this pre-ply. Dance Dance Guitar Hero LOL