The Peering Eyes See All

As I revealed in my previous post, I’m the proverbial guard on the watchtower. Well, there's more to my sordid little tale than just so whistleblowing tendencies. See, my eyes are regularly searching around, which probably bothers people when they are talking to me. I’m a people-watcher who enjoys it too much to give it up.

Of course this has obvious problems in interpersonal communication, as eye contact is a critical part. For some reason when I’m listening, I am distracted by people or things in the environment. I’m still covertly listening to my chatting partner, but they probably think I’m some flighty flake with adult ADHD.

When I walk down the street, I like to look at everyone walking the other direction. But then when they look at me, I immediately look elsewhere. That’s partially me being paranoid and me being a Midwesterner. We don’t like our direct eye contact with passing strangers here. You should try an experiment someday in a Midwestern town. It’s a social norm to not look! We’re weird.

And of course my greatest offense is hard-targeted, generous scanning of young men. Mostly I zoom in on their arms, face, sideburns (if he has them). But I’m all about the elevator look, too. The trick is to do it in moderation and to be strategic about it. As Seinfeld said, it’s like looking at the sun. You get a sense of it, then you look away.

Which brings me to the confession portion of today’s program. I have new neighbors. And the young man’s window faces the front of my house. On happenstance one evening, I was walking past the front bedroom window and saw him dancing around in his room. I stopped to watch him, like some lecherous homo. He’s probably in high school, tall, and thin. And I found out later he’s a skateboarder. If I had to say there’s one “type” out there that gives me a case of the vapors, it’s the skateboarder guy. The T-shirt that just fits, exposed boxer shorts, and thinly muscular.

Sigh. It’s all true. I feel creepy watching him, but it’s not like I’m going to do anything to him. I’m sure that’s what all the gross old men hanging out at the schoolyard say, too. I could never do anything with someone that young… but I can appreciate their appearance. And appreciate, I shall!

Anyway, I’m sure I could tease out some meaning for people who are constantly looking elsewhere, searching, seeking, wanting more. Maybe I’m not happy with what I have. Or perhaps I’m keeping an eye peeled for an opportunity to strike.

Nope, I think I’m just horny.