Gone Wild Series: Astronauts Gone Wild!

In our society, it's already old and busted news about Astronaut Lisa Nowak going bonkos over her rival lover of Bill Oefelein. Your average straight man would normally swoon at the chance for two women to fight over him, but craziness is an X factor no one signs on for. And maybe there's an armed forces rivalry at play... Lisa, the former US Navy Captain, saw this US Air Force Captain named Shipman (of all things), trying to cruise her not-friend/not-lover Navy man Bill. One blip of Shipman on Nowak's bitch-dar, and it's periscope depth for her!

Wow, love IS a battlefield. Thanks, Pat Benatar.

Anyway, there's something about the kooky cocktail of a wig, trench coat, BB gun, pepper spray, diapers, a knife, mallet, rubber tubing, trash bags, and two parts crazy that rouse my curiosity. Only MacGuyver could put such an arsenal to better use.

And then CNN decides to launch their own truth-seeking rocket to find out how NASA will neutralize AstroNUTS gone wild in the confines of a steel tube drifting in space.

The headline was just so campy:

NASA has a plan for dealing with a mentally unstable astronaut in space
* Instructions: Bind the astronaut's wrists and ankles and tie them down
* Inject the out-of-control astronaut with tranquilizers if necessary
* A gun would not be used; a bullet could pierce a spaceship and kill everyone

Investigative integrity be damned! Let's roll out the showmanship. Besides, bondage and syringes sounds like a typical week night at my place. I mean, seriously.

Personally, I think they should have called it "Stopping Astronauts On A Tang-ent." It's more tasteful, really.

Gone Wild Series: Advising Gone Wild!

The late-arriving last installment of this trilogy of gone-wildness is here! This is the one that started the thought in my head that connected it later to Turkeys Gone Wild and MILFs Gone Wild.

This one is an inside joke mostly, but I think it's funny and because these are ME thinks, I shall proceed to entertain one of you in my readership...of hopefully more than one. [end self-deprecation]

For those of you who don't know, I'm an academic advisor at the University of Illinois. What that means is I get to tell students what I think they should do. And I get to learn all kinds of stuff, talk with students with varied interests, and basically have fun (well, mostly). See, I work with a population of students who are exploring majors or in the process of declaring.

Anyway, I was recently tasked with the charge of co-presenting with a colleague and friend in the Career Center. We were talking about topics for our conference presentation and of course, wanting to come up with a wonderful title. I'm a big fan of catchy titles. Snakes on a Plane.

All of the sudden, I had a Eureka moment (now that I mention it, don't Eureka moments always happen all of the sudden?). I came up with the best title ever:

** Advising Gone Wild: Show Me Your Major!

It was great! You had to be there! But yeah, Katie and I were cracking up at all the innuendo and tag lines, like:

- "Nice supporting course work!"
- "I'd like to get a look at her correlate area!"

Sadly, the title didn't fit our presentation, so we didn't use it. But I have filed it away for a future use, trust me. Until then, I did incorporate some of the humor onto our presentation website -- check it out next time you have insomnia. Wait, didn't I already end the self-deprecation for this post?

Eh, snakes on a plane.

Gone Wild Series: MILF's Gone Wild!

Installment two of the Gone Wild series is finally here, and it's taken me some time to scrape together adequate coverage of this one. Another local phenomena that happened to coincide with those vagabond turkeys was Mom's Weekend at the University of Illinois. And believe me, when Moms come in to town, they like to par-tay! And the most sought-after, fun-loving, wild-go-crazy mom is the legendary M.I.L.F. -- or simply, Mom I'd Like to Fuck.

(print lifted from www.funkytshirt.com)

To my knowledge, this term was popularized by the movie "American Pie" in reference to Stifler's mom. I draw your attention to the movie still below:


I have to admit there's something hot about a hot mom -- yeah, I said that. As a gay man, how could that be? Well, I don't know what to tell you. All I can say is that on Dad's Weekend, I'd be hard-pressed to find a D.I.L.F. in the crowd -- let's just say there's a double standard for gender on this one. And if any of you have seen Alias's guest star Lena Olin play Irina Derevko, let's just say I'd go straight for her...well, for one night.

Anyway, the best thing about Mom's Weekend is the night life because, as I said, Moms go wild. And there are pictures to prove it. For horny college boys, there are groups who discuss the fine art of "milfhunting" which includes, for example, allowing an older woman to experience the "fountain of youth." Take that as you will...and take in some of the sights I was able to rake up:




















Great stuff. I have witnessed Mom's Weekend first-hand in the past, and the hilarity is far greater when experienced in-person.

On a final note, one of the respected newspapers on campus, Booze News, saw fit to print a helpful article that classifies The Mom Genus. I wish this article was online so you could truly appreciate it, but I will paraphrase as it goes on to describe the following species of Mom:

Imstilltwentyuerilla -- still thinks she's got it going on despite fat bulges, saggy breasts, and her big old fat ass; thinks she has to compete with her 19 year old daughter

H.O.T. (Hold On Tight) Mom -- the sight of her brings even the strongest of male species to his knees, and if provoked by the right music, will begin her ritual dance on the dance floor -- she's on the prowl

Closet Freak Mom -- normally quiet and shy in her suburban habitat, when exposed to alcohol and the flashbacks of her teenage years, she breaks free and becomes a crazy wildebeast; will eventually blackout and have to be dragged home by son/daughter

The Lady Devil -- she never says no, always yes; she is in need of sexual interaction that has been deprived for too long; can be found parading around with a mixed drink in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other; will grind with men half her age while reliving her glory days


This stuff is too funny...we love you Moms!!

Gone Wild Series: Turkeys Gone Wild

This is the first post in a series of three seemingly unrelated incidents that happened to coincide with one another in a twist I can only describe as serendipity or perhaps, even fate.

If you have ever been to the University of Illinois or know someone who has, you have likely heard about the squirrel epidemic. That's right, everyone has at least one squirrel story here because the furry punks are everywhere! A squirrel once chucked a nut at a co-worker and one of them stood its ground as I approached, perched on its hind legs, front paws clutched into tiny fists, as if to say, "try me, betch!" In fact, on Facebook, there is a group called the Squirrel Counterterrorist Task Force and about 20 other groups related to the furry rodent. They were C-U's number one menace...until now.

Enter the wild turkeys. It's literally all the town can talk about. Wild turkeys have found their way back to Illinois since being gone from this area basically since the early 1900s. Taking the bus to the shuttle lot from work one evening, the driver slowed for what I assumed were pedestrians. Upon further inspection, it was two gobblers! On campus? Weird, but I didn't think much of it at the time. Until a friend called and told me these birds are the talk of the town. People are calling up morning radio shows to share their turkey stories. And these things are not docile...they attack something fierce! Stories of people being chased, fending them off with swinging bookbags, being rescued by passing motorists, being held up in their homes or blocked from enter buildings (now THAT'S cock-blocking in its original form). It's like some feathered posse moved into town and is roughing up the locals. The News Gazette ran a feature about the capture of these guys. Apparently the police, animal control, and Department of Natural Resources can't quite decide who's responsibility it is to detain these wandering thugs. Um, let me just say that we are in the Midwest, the NRA is big around here, and I think there's an army of hunters and gun-toting yokels who may get all vigilante for the promise of an early Thanksgiving unless the authorities can "git 'er done!"

Meantime, all we can do is sit back and enjoy the comedy. I was talking to Brandon and Iker about it at dinner today, and on my way home, I saw all these cars slowing down and sure enough, the turkeys were crossing the street! There was a guy with a video camera...yeah, seriously. I busted out laughing and called Brandon to make him jealous.