I've This Creeping Suspicion

We all have our routine or familiar scripts for going to bed each night. I brush my teeth, remove my contacts, and if on a "school night," I make sure to set out my clothes and prepare my lunch for the next day.

But what about the mental routines? Those nagging thoughts? The worries that come to mind as if they are on some kind of whisper campaign? Softly.

On most nights, as I slip into bed, I wonder what would happen
if a car lost control and crashed into my house. I imagine how it would likely happen. Where the car would make its impact. I figure it will come from the street corner, right into my front bedroom. I'd be safe, but the crash would be deafening. I'd shoot up in bed with startled fear, teeth clenched so hard my teeth feel like they could break. Thankfully I wear my bite guard religiously.

I've woken up before in a panic, because of a loud noise. Once I felt like I was experiencing an earthquake. No one else had felt it. And on all those occasions, I saw flashes of red against the muted tones of night. Hallucinations, I'm sure.

And what does it all mean? Unconscious fodder my next therapy session, no doubt. Perhaps it is my phantom hitchhiker revealing himself. He knows as sleep nears, he can spring to life. Perhaps because my mind is clearer. No distractions from the world.

If fear in animals is linked to learning, then where did I learn this fear response? When I was in kindergarten, I remember a story about a garbage truck that rolled from a parking lot down a hill into someone's house. I can't remember if someone died from it or not. I cannot separate the reality from how I worked it over in my head.

Then of course, there's my fear of tornadoes. All things I can't control. So is that what it's about? Or is just my overactive imagination? And if that's the case, do I have such loss of control fears because of my overactive imagination? Without all that, could I come up with half the yarn I spin on this blog?

And therefore, is part of my head just one big mess of creativity and neuroses, mashed together like mounds of Play-Doh, inseparable?

So there you have it. The logical conclusions to the emotional cocktail party mingling inside of me. Think of it what you will. I know I do.

4 comments:

baba said...

I too suffer from lots of weird/ disturbing thoughts from time to time, some might call it morbid, some might call it, well, morbid is pretty right on. Anyways, what I've done the last few years is one, exercise more, it helps with nightmares and such. And two, and more importantly, when you wake up or imagine these things while you are already awake, I try to consciously finish my dream my way. I mean that if I wake up from a nightmare (my biggie is spiders), then I try to end the dream my way. Where I have control. And I started to do that and it took some time, but eventually, it actually started working and I was able to reduce the number of nightmares and weird thoughts that I have!!! I really does work!

(this message brought to you by the makers of Dreamaway)....hehe, just kidding.

but seriously, try it!

Bubz The Troll said...

I have an occasionally recurring night of entering, my bladder and bowel full to bursting, an endless world of New York subway restrooms circa mid 1980's. There are no privacy screens on any toilettes which are broken or full to the brim with filth anyway. It's not a pretty sight. On top of that, even though the this infinite maze of lavatories gone wrong is empty of people there hangs in the air a sense of menacing presence waiting for me to do my job. It is probably the most Lovecraft-ian nightmare I have.

Army Mom said...

While I may not always respond to your blog, Army, I am a fan, and enjoy the comments from others, too! Keep writing... and answering!

bennie said...

Sometimes I wonder if my brain works in the opposite direction.... finding the humorous things in life. For years and years, in that half-awake/half-asleep stupor, I would hear British people talking. It was always non-sensicle (sp? word?), 2-3 sentence conversations. I often times laughed myself to sleep. I still hear them from time to time, but not as much as I used to. :(