The Balance of the Universe... On My Middle Finger.

I suppose some would say it isn't good Karma to extend a middle finger to the vast universe out there... but then again, I am the universe (as are you), so in a way, I'm merely flipping off my greater self. And well, Karma can kiss it, too.

Why the dramatic huff, you ask? Why, let me tell you, in even grander throes of blopera (um, that's blog opera to you)!

Don't trust The Universe. Just when you think everything is in its place, there is balance, and the answer to the meaning of life is 42, The Universe
steps out from behind the curtain with a guttural "Mwu-haha" and the episode is over...

Seems now the meaning of life is 50. Because of inflation? Nope. Hazard another guess? Well, it's because that's how old you have to be to join AARP... and I JUST GOT INVITED!!!!

That Benevolent (or should I say, Malevolent) Order otherwise known as the American Ass-ociation of Retired Persons (now cowering under the acronym of AARP) sent me a damned Membership Order Form today! ME!

Look at this face? Is this the face of a retired person? Or of a pretired person? I'm not even close! I still have my allure... my twinkle! In fact, at a conference this past week, my fellow colleagues from across the nation kept mistaking me for a student.

Usually, I have to do what I can to be seen as a professional because of my youthful appearance. Especially on campus when I have to belly-up to the bellies of Provosts, Directors, and Deans, oh my. And now, this Undistinguished League of Biddies wants to set me on a course for the planet Geri
atrix at warp speed? I think not! Check the records and your trifocals. I haven't made your short list yet, pappy!

So listen up, AARP, you old fogey. Take back your lousy AARP-SVP and the offer of a free pedometer when I join or renew. My clutch purse is off limits to your coffers (and incidentally your coffins). And rest assured that whenever I aimlessly aim my finger at The Universe, you will forever be at the center of my affections.

7 comments:

Allie D. said...

Karma might just be offering you a favor, dammit! AARP members get hella discounts on stuff! LOL

Army Mom said...

Army, what Allie D. says is true! There are some wonderful discounts through AARP. Besides, if you choose to join, partake of these discounts and they contact you with some sass, just send in the pic of you a couple of years ago at Halloween... your costume was very realistic! (I guess you got a pre-look of how you will turn out in, oh, say, another 37 YEARS!)

Bubz The Troll said...

I get mistaken for being much younger than I am all the time. Little kids think I'm in high school, but what do they know. The cute 18 year-old at Subway thought I was only 20(she was off by 10). I guess losing 30 pounds of weight does that for a person. Maybe the universe is in balance after all. I'll let you know when Sesame Street send me a subscription card for their magazine that reads "to the parents of Robert Bub"

Army said...

Ladies, ladies... perhaps you aren't getting this. I will appreciate those discounts WHEN I'M 50!! At this point, it's not an invitation, it's an insult!! LOL

Bubz -- it is certainly nice to be seen in a younger light when it comes to attraction. Well, at least I think so.

Tell you what, I'll send my subscription cards to Highlights magazine your way ; )

Allie D. said...

Army -- it is NEVER too late to save a few pennies! lol

Pawlie Kokonuts said...

I joined AARP well before I was 50 then quit. Didn't feel old enough. Then rejoined (the Universe) recently.

Beth said...

I just got around to reading this. I've been trying to get the AARP to stop sending me news about my pre-approved membership for a year now. I finally just wrote all over the envelope "I'm 28, PLEASE TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST!"